When your Past is your Prison

She had a haunted look that spoke of pain and sadness.  A quiet mourning that was near the surface but rooted deep.  Her eyes could meet yours, but not really connect in a personal way, as if preoccupied and full of a desperate intensity.  Her face bore a tightness around the eyes and the corners of the mouth as though the skin was under a tension tugging deep beneath the surface of her personality.

She leaned forward in her chair to speak, but turned her head to one side, listening to the voice of anguish deep within that pleaded for release, and yet screamed for silence. She was a young teenage girl, but she was hunched over actually embodying the posture of an 80 year old woman.

“You’re hurting deeply inside, aren’t you Sarah?” I spoke with a quiet gentleness, concerned not to startle her into her burrow of protection, yet seeking  to draw her out into the realm of reality and light.  Her eyes misted and brimmed with tears.  She nodded her head slowly.

“Sarah, it is clear that the inner turmoil that you are experiencing is flowing out a deep well of hurt, and emotional pain buried within you.  You have asked me to help you find the peace, and healing, that Jesus Christ has for you. However, unless you can share that with me, I cannot help you.”  I paused, waiting for some response.

Sarah breathed deeply as if to draw enough strength to speak of the unspeakable. She ran her hands through her hair as if to steady herself, and then she looked up and began to tell her story.

The unfolding of the horrific tale of abuse and deprivation that followed explained why she found it so difficult to recount it to anyone.  Sarah had somehow survived the terrible experiences, but not without the painful scars of hurt and bitterness.   

Now, at 19, she was battling feelings of shame, anger, and guilt.  She also felt confused, for feeling such guilt for not having stopped the abuse sooner.  “I feel so guilty”, she confessed quietly as the tears overflowed.”I should have told someone,” she said as she wiped tears from her face. “I was too afraid.”

“Sarah, you were seven years old when it started,” I pointed out. "It is hard enough for a teenage girl to go through the awkward changes in her own body, let alone reveal to another the terrible things that you were threatened and coerced into unwillingly participate in."


I paused and opened my Bible, sat it on my knees, and smoothed out the worn pages with my hands. When I looked up, Sarah looked at me intently.

“It was at thirteen when you fought back.  Don’t take the blame for what you, at such a young age, were made to do by a trusted adult figure.  That is a false kind of guilt, that is really a form of shame. It feels like guilt, but it is more focused on how you have been made to see yourself as a bad person, when you are anything but.”  

I looked out the window at the autumn leaves rustling against the glass with an urgency and impatience. “What concerns me is the painful hurting and anguish that is locked deep down inside of you.” Sarah nodded her head, and then looked down at her clinched hands that lay balled in her lap.

“Our inner self is like a kind of house, that is full of rooms that portray the memories and chapters of our lives. Deep within you there is a room full of suffering that you have not been able to give over to the Lord Jesus Christ. 

You know Him as Lord and Savior, but you have not allowed Him access into this part of your personal life. It has become a kind of prison, that keeps you like a prisoner within your own kind of personal bondage."

Opening my Bible to Isaiah 61, I reminded her that Jesus came to heal the broken heart, and to set the captives free. That included Sarah as well.

“But why am I so afraid to do that?” she wondered aloud.  “It terrifies me to even think of dealing with this part of my life…..but it is true, my past is my prison.” 

“What you may be afraid of is the emotional anguish of those six years of horrific abuse, and perhaps you may wonder if it will be too much for you to experience as you discuss it."  I paused and said, "You do not have to focus on or talk about the details of what happened Sarah. It is the hurt and burden of it that is keeping you a prisoner of the past."


Jesus said...

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…and you will have rest for your souls’.” Matt. 11:28-30.

God encourages each of us to lay our troubled past at His feet, by laying it at the foot of His Cross.  Let the Cross symbolize God’s remedy for broken and sinful lives.  As you release those years of pain to Christ, remember you are merely applying by faith His liberating promise to set you free. You are simply trusting Him for what He has already done for you at the Cross, and validated by His resurrection.” (See II Cor. 5:17-21)

Holding her trembling hands out, as if clasping a fragile container of suffering, she prayed, 

“Dear Lord Jesus, you have saved me and have given me new hope for my life.  Lord, I hurt so very inside yet.  Please take this hurtful burden from me." She wiped tears from her face with a Kleenex, and continued,  "I seek Your deep inner soul rest…peace for my soul.  I set this burden down, by faith, and ask You to release me from the anguish of my awful past.”

Pausing to wipe the tears from a face that was shining and wet, she exclaimed, “Lord, I am receiving your precious healing, and I am clean and pure in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I’m going to accept my new beginning.  Thank You for Your healing and grace.”

A ray of late afternoon sun seemed to reach in through the window to kiss the wall and brighten the room with hope. A new beginning for Sarah was not to be without its challenges, but begin she would. A new release within had given her renewed hope, peace, and as she thought with a smile, the prison cell door is open and I am free.

For Sarah there would be more sessions to sort out the twisted labyrinth of her past and discover how to walk in the new found liberty as a child of the King. I knew just the female counselor that I would refer her to.

Understandably, as she learned to grow in her faith, she would begin to leave behind the ashes of a painful heart, now replaced by a beauty that only Jesus Christ can bring to a broken, and bruised life. The rocky soil of her heart gave way to His creative new life, sprouting new growth, and she was aglow with the radiance of it.


* It is noted that photos of a variety different young women were portrayed in this article to give a reflective view of just how many youth struggle with the burden of When your Past is a Prison.

Spiritual Dryness in The Quiet Place

There are times in each of our lives when our heart and soul can feel much like a dry barren desert. Our time of spiritual devotions can feel empty of fresh joyous vitality. 

We may have exhausted easily accessible inner resources due to any number of life related influences, and are becoming burned out. Spiritual and emotional burnout is not as uncommon as we would think. It is a condition that most of us would rather not acknowledge that we experience from time to time. For some reason it feels like we failed at something.  

It often happens gradually in our lives, and like a slow fading shadow at sunset, before we realize it, our zeal, inner passion, and sense of spiritual power is but a whisper of what it had been. 

When we reach deep within to seek God, or to find resources to cope with a trying set of stressful circumstances, our hands find only desert sand. 

Spiritual Dryness in the Desert

There was a time when David's life was full of hurt, confusion and doubt. His understanding of God's Purpose for his life, and how it played out in his daily experience, were hard to bring together. 

We can all face that puzzling sense of incongruity when what we understand to be God's Will for us, and what we are experiencing in our present circumstances, seem to be polar opposites.  

For David, it made no sense that God could promise one thing, that he would be the King of Israel,  and yet here he was hiding from King Saul, and fleeing for his life in the dry barren Desert of Judah. Weary and worn out, he prayed:

“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1; 6

We can come to The Quiet Place to commune with God to satisfy our thirst and at times discover that our experience there has seemed unsatisfying, and we leave discovering that our throat is still parched and dry. 

We can be inundated with Bible resources, solid teaching, and worshipful music, but find that we are merely treading water of late in terms of our experience and enjoyment of God. We can be up, we can feel down, we can feel joy and then we can drift into a kind of apathy.

The experience of revival, and times of spiritual renewal, are wonderful, joyous, and sometimes overflow with euphoric emotion. However, God also wants to know if we can walk by faith, and not by mere feelings.... Even in the backside of a personal desert.

The Lure of a Mirage in the Desert

If we are not careful, we can equate a kind of "feeling" to be the compass of our spirituality. To follow a compass that has no True North, is like following a GPS that is locked into coordinates that are constantly moving, shifting location, and leading to one dead-end after another. It is in the pursuit of the lure of a mirage, that leads to disappointment and despair(See Jeremiah 2:13).

David himself cried out to God while in the desert,

  

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.... I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.”   Psalm 69:1-4

David was reminded every day, that any living thing that has no regular water source, can literally wither and die in the desert. It was also a stark reality for him. He was alone, afraid, and had nothing but God Himself to sustain him. He used a metaphor describing a deer experiencing a literal thirst for water, with his spiritual thirst for God. 
 

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long. “Where is your God?”  Psalm 42:1-3 

When was the last time that I thirsted for God with such desperation  and intensity?

 The Reasons for Spiritual Dryness

The experience of spiritual dryness happen to all of us at times, and there are several factors that may contribute:

• It may be the result of missing out on our times of worship in The Quiet Place. 

• .        Living too long on the milk of God’s Word and not getting into the meat and depth of Bible study, so as to discern how to deal with the tougher trials that may be happening.

• .        It may be because of an illness, and the medications that sometimes blunt the physical and emotional edge in our lives. 

• .        Long seasons of depression and medications to treat it can mimic a sense of spiritual apathy.

• .        It can be the result of resisting God’s Will to be Lord in our lives, and then avoiding time with Him.

•       Engaging in sinfulness, and refusing to repent and change, dims the passion of our heart for God.

• .        Feeling angry or hurt by God, believing that He should grant something, and withdrawing from Him as a result.

• .        Prolonged periods of trial, suffering and intense ministry can result in spiritual burnout.

• .        Being tested by God to live by the truth of His Word, and exercise faith, even when our feelings do not experience joy and peace when we are walking in fellowship with God.

•       Going through a time of pruning in our life whereby God shapes our heart so that our abiding in Him can be fruitful and unhindered.  

Spiritual Balance in the Desert

        
God's Word assures us that if we Draw near to Him, He will Draw near to us (See Hebrews 7:19-20; 24-26; James 4:8). Paul reminds us that the natural man does not discern Truth in the way that the spiritual man does. His use of the word, pneumatikos in I Cor. 2:15, for the word "...he that is spiritual.." is translated as: "..one who is governed by, or under the rule of  the Spirit of God." Vines NT Greek.

     It takes spiritual insight to discover that we can go through the desert, and feel that God is distant, not know why, but still hold on to God's Word, and the assurance of His promise. His Word reminds us that He will  never leave us, and that He will always keep us ever near His heart, even if we don't always feel that He is there (See Hebrews 13:5; Matt. 28:20 "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.").

     "The unfolding of your words gives light;  it gives understanding to the simple. I open my mouth and pant, longing for your commands.”  Psalm 119:130-131

 In The Quiet Place there is an Honesty with God

     "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.”  Psalm 139:1-3

      In The Quiet Place there is an Openness with God

     "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:22-24

     In The Quiet Place there is Healing from God

     "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:12-14

     Within The Quiet Place God desires to commune with us, encourage us and strengthen us. Before long, a spark will alight in your heart, and then it will become a flame within. The reality of your living faith will create a miracle as God’s all encompassing love, pours out to you, comes alive in you, and then it will flow through you, to a dry and barren world. 

  

     Only God can quench the thirst of the human soul. The world is full of chaos, turmoil, political unrest and economic instability. Many people who sought for satisfaction and a sense of fulfillment in the world, have discovered that they are desperately empty, and have lost their way in the wilderness of life without God.. 

     The seasoned desert traveler can find these lost souls and lead them out of the desert to the true source of life…. Jesus Christ


"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-9

    

  

Everyone Needs a Quiet Place

We all need significant times in our lives where we experience the peacefulness of complete and total silence. Hushed moments where we can make a heartfelt exploration of our deepest questions, posed before the Almighty God of the universe; questions that are whispered in but a single solitary moment in time. God is timeless, yet He pauses, draws near to our hearts, and listens to what we are really saying, when no one else is really listening.

We all need to find a solitary place where we can stop the world, breathe our own oxygen and hear the sounds of silence. Yet mere aloneness or solitude is not an asset that truly satisfies unless we are able to connect to someone greater than ourselves.

 “If one pictures life as a line on a page, one must picture God as the page on which the line is drawn.” CS Lewis

What is this Quiet Place within us? How did it get there? If there is Quiet Place within us, why can’t we easily find it? Most people are so afraid of silence and solitude that we cringe from the quiet and even panic at the mere thought of solitude. The very idea of a prolonged period of quietness can seem to suffocate our consciousness, rather than liberate our deepest self. Inner exploration as a pilgrimage in and of itself, can lead one into a maze from which there are no true answers and for some, only a disillusioned imprisonment, from which there can seem no escape.

There is a Quiet Place within every one of us

There is a God created domain, deep in the very soul of every human being. It is a place within our soul that nothing can truly fill except our creator Himself. He created us to be indwelt by His Spirit, and nothing in life can take His place there.

The reality of this truth could fill a myriad of blogs. This one cannot explore the depths of such a vast topic. My hope is that it touches a parched tongue with a drop of water so as to find the fountain from which living water can truly be found.

One of the most terrifying of incarcerations is one of solitary confinement? Why is that?  Yet the Monastic zealots, the Ascetics, the Gnostics and the philosophers of history, write of such a quest with passionate fervency. Many however, have later ventured forth disillusioned, broken in spirit, mentally bankrupt, and unable to function in society at all. Their baptism into rigorous, and disciplined prolonged periods of solitude, had changed them, but the change was a metamorphosis into having lost their self completely, rather than having found their true self.

 The deeper into themselves that they had searched, the more enslaved and shackled they became; captives of their own disillusionment, rather than becoming liberated and set free. There is a truth that cannot be denied: The longer one lives in the darkness, the blinder he will become. 

"The world's smallest package is a man wrapped up in Himself."    Charles Swindoll 

"The Lord is near those who have a broken heart." Psalm 34:18 

Life within the Inner Storm

  

Your own Quiet Place may be enveloped by a raging storm within your life right now, or seemingly imprisoned by an addiction that now has you trapped rather than enlightened. Your profound heartache, bitterness at being hurt, or unending physical pain and suffering may numb the reality of it, but the Quiet Place is real. It is God’s private place to share life with you and you alone. Regardless of what is happening to you, taking place around you or going on within you, always remember that you are not alone in the storm.

"His way is in the whirlwind and the storm..." Nahum 1:3

As our lives are jammed tight with unending schedules, time pressures, and burdensome obligations, it may not seem like there is Quiet within, but it is there amidst the noise and the stress...it just doesn't  seem accessible. In times of hardship, suffering, or loneliness, we are more conscious of the Quiet Place within, but it is encumbered and suppressed by depression, sorrow, and feelings of deep despair. We may see the dim pathway to it, shimmering across our minds eye like a mirage, but then it seems to dim and fade amidst the pain. 

God’s Promise to us 

Only God can become our Quiet Place. Only He can prepare within us, through His redemptive mercy and grace, a new place where He can commune with us and we can truly know Him and worship Him.

" I will give them one heart (a new heart) and I will put a new spirit within them; and I will take the stony (unnaturally hardened) heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh (sensitive and responsive to the touch of their God).” Ezekiel 11:19 Amplified. Bible
 

“God’s quest to be glorified, and our quest to be satisfied reach their goal in this one experience; when our delight in God overflows in praise for God , for praise is the sweetness of His own excellence in the hearts of His people. For us, praise is the summit of satisfaction that comes from  living in fellowship with God.” John Piper

 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”    2 Corinthians 5:17 

We discover in life that no amount of money or fame or possessions or power can satisfy the Quiet Place. Even in spite of all of the sentimental poetry, romance novels, love songs or love stories depicted in movies, no person can truly fill the Quiet Place.

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” John Piper

The Quiet Place exists within us regardless of our age, gender, or nationality. It exists no matter where we were born, or whatever language we may speak. The Quiet Place exits as a human reality. It is no less a fact than the truth that the sun rises every morning. It exists within us as certain as the astrological proof that the moon courses its way across the heavens, even if it is obscured from our sight because of a raging storm.

Counsel from a Pilgrim Traveler

“Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” Psalm 32:6 -7

Comfort from a Loving God

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” Psalm 32:8

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty (Whose power no foe can withstand).”  Psalm 91:1 Amplified Bible

 
No matter how many mistakes you have made, or how far away from God you may feel, or how broken your heart may be within you, God desires to know you and to show you how to turn a heart of chaos and turmoil into a Quiet Place.

Take a few moments to breathe and watch this inspirational music video